Picture this. The world is sick. It’s seconds away from never being able to regenerate and come back. Things have never been this bad and yet, somehow, they are worse than ever before. This is it; this is the defining moment. You and everyone around you are helpless and losing hope fast. Does this sound familiar? Yeah, I thought it would. Well, sorry to break it to you, but it’s not that story, this is different than the one you know. But sounds scary accurate, right? I know, it’s kind of funny.

But let me get back to the story, to this story. Now, where was I? Right! The world is sick, and it is burning, and no one is managing. No one knows how to overcome it and they are helpless and panicking. Well, okay, I’m kind of lying. I’m doing just dandy. Sipping an exquisite vintage of the fullest and reddest of wines while doing my usual self-care routine. It is Saturday after all.

And right about now I can hear all the indignant discord from your end. I’m so glad I’m not there with you. Oh, just save it. You’d do the exact same as me, if you were in my shoes. Or who am I to say, but at least I’d like to think that.

Okay, I will try to elaborate, but only briefly, so try to keep up!

…

It was a dark and stormy night… I know, I know, it wasn’t. But this just sounds a lot better than “once upon a time.” Ugh, barf, too sappy for my taste and doesn’t fit the story. But yeah, in all honesty it was a day like any other, no one really remembers much about it, or at least I don’t, so I’ll be winging it. You won’t mind since you don’t know any better. It might have been a Saturday like today. Oh, how poetic would that be? Or it might have been a Tuesday, but who even cares anymore.

The day it all happened I was having a fancy lunch in excellent company. Lunch with a Bloody Mary. Oh, right, I had a killer hangover. Actually, there might have been a few, or several, Bloody Marys, the previous night had been epic. Anyway, back to my lunch. As per usual, I wasn’t eating alone, but had a charming companion with me; my most trusted friend. We were eating a bit of everything as we just could just not decide on one thing. Right, this might be a suitable time to reveal that the whole world had gone vegan and eating meat was illegal, so we ate the most appetizing plant-based dishes ever made.

You might be wondering right about now, why the world was still in such distress if it had gone full vegan? That’s actually a really interesting story, and I’ll get to it if we have time! But once again, back to my lunch with my dearest confidante, my fidus Achates. In fact, I shall be referring to them from now on as Achates to honour our bond and to make the storytelling easier for me. So, we were having our lunch in a lovely terrace of a quaint little bistro not far from where we live. It had just opened, and it was the most divine place to have your lunch, you’d absolutely love it!

Then all of a sudden, our blissful lunch was interrupted by an unbearably loud noise. Not me nor my hungover state were enjoying this anomaly in our otherwise lovely day. The loud noise was accompanied by the ground starting to tremor. I remember thinking that goodness gracious, are we going to have yet another earthquake, but that seemed not the be the case as the tremors evolved into much more violent shakes of the earth. Achates’ eyes found mine and without a word we both stood up at the exact same moment and proceeded to leave the terrace. No, of course we did not pay, how observant of you. Don’t feel bad, we didn’t. No one noticed anyway, they were too distraught by the sudden events that were taking place.

In silence we walked home, as in a mutual agreement, but that was very much us. It was like we knew each other’s thoughts even though we could not read each other’s minds. What a shame though, it would have been brilliant. To actually be able to read each other’s minds. Well, not actually, but you get the gist.

Our home was an entire apartment building surrounded by parks. We kind of just bought the whole place, and the parks. You know, neighbours, whoever really wants them. Our living quarters were on the top floors, naturally, but this time we did not go there.

As upon our previous agreement we took the stairs, and in silence and went down. Down and down and down we went. So far down that it was as if the outside world stopped existing altogether. We were below the ground, well below the ground, and yet we had natural light, day and night just as above the surface you’d have. Mysterious, I know, but I won’t bore you with the details, you wouldn’t understand anyway.

Once we got down to the lowest level, I went straight to our liquor cabinet. Need I remind you; I had the worst hangover and the day had taken a turn in a direction I did not appreciate, not in the slightest. I uncorked one of the oldest whiskeys we had and poured myself a glass. Turning to Achates I showed the bottle and a firm nod was what I got. I knew the answer, but it was a formality. In certain situations, our almost-telepathic bond was better to be overlooked.

We sat by the pool and discussed the situation. Right. Now might be a proper time to tell you, that we kind of knew what was going on, hence our contingency plan. But guess you already had that figured out, maybe. And listen, I’m not saying that this was all our fault, but… Eh, well, you could say that, in a way, but we won’t. You could, but I wish you wouldn’t either. You see, it’s not that straightforward. You might hear it is, but as you well know; a coin has two sides. And this is ours, Achates’ and mine.

Oh dear, do I really need to go to the beginning. What do you think? Actually, let’s scratch that. The beginning doesn’t matter, and I don’t like to dwell on the past. Who likes that anyway, we don’t live there anymore, am I right? For your sake, and mine, I will summarise something. Very briefly.

Here’s the thing, I might have been omitting some facts previously in my storytelling. Now, don’t be mad, you don’t even know what I’m talking about yet! Here’s the thing. There might be a 100% chance we’re not entirely human. Well, wait, actually, that is true, we’re not at all human but there are traces, so my estimate is accurate! But we can relate to your experience, in a way, and that must count a tad, at least? No? Oh, let’s not dwell on that. As in “what” I, or my dearest friend Achates actually are, it is not important. Well, again, here I am bending the truth, sort of. But in all honesty, it is not important for you specifically to know, so…

We do not like labeling definitions and that is why you won’t get a specific one. You should also stop that. I, personally, will refrain from calling us “entities” but for lack of a better one, that word might help you in understanding our existence. You here on Earth sure seem to like the word entity, don’t you? Anyway. As you might have gathered, we’re not from around here. And yes, what we brought with us, or on our tail, it might have something to do with the situation on our hands. Hence, I get that there are some that blame us as I mentioned before.

Now, I have to pause here for a second once again. I know what you’re thinking and no. We are not aliens. Actually, do you know how insulting that word is? Like, just stop using it altogether. Okay? And while we’re on it why you automatically assumed that I was talking about outer space? Outrageous. Yeah, you’re right. I’m not denying it, but I’m definitely not admitting it either. Maybe you should just mind your own business, eh?

Back to my story. It is not per se that we brought it with us, since it only followed us mostly without our knowledge, but we are familiar with what is menacing your world right now. I’m trying really hard to figure out how to call it and it to be understandable at the same time, you know, for your sake. Maybe a biological weapon? No, it doesn’t have the right ring to it. Maybe nuclear something? No, that’s too elementary. Hmm. Let’s just call it The Worst Unimaginable and you can follow, right?

So, The Worst Unimaginable isn’t as deadly as it sounds. Actually, for all I know, no one has died from it. I mean from direct contact. It’s not even possible, I think. Just the effects are quite dire and events after The Worst Unimaginable led to certain events that might have led to deaths. So, not that bad? Yeah, yeah, save the moral lecture, it’s not your place. It’s not your life on the line here, I’m just indulging you.

But I guess there’s no point in beating around the bush. Yeah, we had the answer all along, we had the “remedy.” By now you must have understood we’ve done nothing to stop the world from burning. Why, you must be asking. Well, for the simplest of reasons; it is not our place. And save the rest of it, we do not share your world’s most common ailment of “hero complex.” In fact, it’s quite sickening. Ugh, barf. I would not like to be here, but this environment is the most agreeable for our skin. Therefore, we stay.

Again! I can hear your incessant opinions; you truly are sore losers. I am sick of hearing you mumble there when you know nothing of this world! Oops, did I reveal too much? I most certainly need to confirm with Achates, please excuse me for a moment.

…

We came to the agreement that it might be better for your future for you to have the knowledge that multiple universes do in fact coexist along with your own. Alternative universes, you call it? Now, do not be alarmed. This bit of information will in no way impact your lives. Or should I say life? Well, no matter, as it has no effect whatsoever. You just know it, and, in a way, you are kind of smarter than the rest, so bask in it.

This is almost insufferable, and I must, again, wonder why I am doing this. Doing what you ask? Well explaining all this to you when it does not even matter to you, of course! Are you daft or what? But I’ll try since I already started…

Even though that day is meaningless to us, I still like to reminisce about it. Maybe this is the reason I am telling you all of it. Or our coordination and unison, while the world around us is in chaos, is alone a reason enough. It was so beautiful, palpable, and yet so delicate. I can feel you still wondering what it was that actually happened. I still don’t know if I should. It is, after all, complicated, but not in a way you might perceive it.

You see, human beings are prone to see it all in black and white. To save or not to save. Life and death. All those dichotomies you hold so near and dear to your heart. For us it is so much more than that and yet it is so simple. But alas, we are not natives here. We do not have a place to express or to implement. I can still hear you wondering why, please don’t. This is a hard predicament for us too, not to mention you, so I do kind of understand the confusion. There were so many things you improved on such a short notice; we were all amazed. But woe is me, we cannot change our fate. It shall be as has been predicted. Or in words maybe more to your liking: it is what it is.

The world’s population as people, as human beings had done it all. All that could be done to save humankind. The world was vegan, and hardly any meat-related crimes even existed. Actually, crime rates in general were lower than ever, almost non-existent. Nature was thriving, and biodiversity was at an all-time high. Humankind had managed to forgo all unsustainable forms of energy sources and used only renewable energy and still, wait for it, still it wasn’t enough. This world had never needed people. This world did not like them. And most definitely, this world did not want them here.

Ergo, the world keeps burning. But is it a cause or an effect? A bit of both, would be my guess. That thing that had trailed us, you see, had the most peculiar attraction toward, well, your habits, really. Your way of being. In the most primal of ways. But would it have ever found you if we had never come here? Who can say? I’m just a sucker for an intricate skincare routine and haven’t figured out all the reasons. I think that the world has still a bit more time, but not long. I think, I don’t know since we’re not bothering ourselves with it that much.

…

And thus, that concludes all necessary events before this lovely Saturday. I can still hear the echo of that loud noise of that first day, even though I know the sound does not penetrate the levels and all the insulation, but I know it’s still there. That deafening, never-ending clamour of unintelligible sounds. How long ago was it? It’s been, what…

Oh, dear. I just realized I ran out of wine. Ah, but there comes my dearest Achates with a new bottle to fill both of our glasses, with impeccable timing. Wine gets poured, steady rhythm of jazz hangs in the air, inviting. I really do love my life. Oh, right, I was reminiscing how long has it been since that day. I don’t think I even can say, so suddenly. I take a sniff of the wine and I hum softly. There’s a moment of silence before I speak.

Do you reckon we should? I ask while taking a sip of yet another vintage of the most elegant red wine we’ve been able to acquire.

No, I don’t think we should, Achates answers and sits on the other end of the couch smelling the red wine while letting out a pleased sigh.

The jazz hums, I hum, and I close my eyes leaning back. Our basement, with natural light may I remind you, has proper living quarters. It’s basically an apartment, quite a large one. At this very moment, we lounge poolside and enjoy ourselves. This has been mostly what we’ve been up to, lounging and enjoying intoxicating beverages. Not that they’d have the same effect on us, but it is quite an intriguing pass of time.

And to return to our musings; we won’t. And thus, we shall continue this blissful existence we’ve accidentally been blessed with, while being almost unaware that the world has nearly burned to its extinction.

Photograph by Henna Houttu