My Self-Acceptance Journey in Quarantine
Corona this, quarantine that, I know. Every time you open your phone, laptop, or TV, it’s filled with news on the development of the virus, some “geniuses” who still think they don’t need masks, lockdowns, etc. It’s exhausting. And so is staying indoors all the time. Your precious time is spent on a somewhat regular routine, if possible, trying new hobbies, maybe hating them, maybe not, taking naps, looking for new shows to watch on Netflix, and so on. I understand that many people desperately want things to return to normal, and it’s all just a little too much. However, I feel like it’s not all that bad, so please hear me out.
Back when this all started in March of 2020, I found it incredibly frustrating. I was just about to graduate upper secondary, so I was under a lot of stress already, but because of corona I had to take my last exams a week earlier than anticipated, and all of the fun activities before graduation, like our choir trip, got cancelled. In hindsight I know that things could have been worse, but at the time I was devastated. The time I imagined I’d spend with friends having fun, I spent home. For my graduation ceremony in May, I sat in front of my laptop with only my mum by my side. It was not the easiest of times for me. Then came summer.
I spent most of my summer at my mum’s house in the serenity of the countryside. Entrance exams for university, my family and our dogs kept me busy for the most part, but I also had a lot of time to relax and think my thoughts. Because of all the free time on my hands, I could really put things into perspective.
I had been extremely hard on myself for years, and because of that I was always stressed. I barely slept. I thought that graduating upper secondary wasn’t a big deal, everyone graduated and moved on to university straight away, right? I didn’t give myself enough credit for what I had already achieved. I realised that it had to change. I had to change. To do so, I started talking to myself like I talk to others:
“You graduated from upper secondary? Hell yeah dude! Well done! It’s not something you should take for granted.”
“You’re not sure if you’ll get into university? You don’t have to. You have all the time in the world. If you don’t get accepted, it won’t be the end of the world, okay? It won’t affect your worth as a human being.”
It’s not easy to go from hating everything you do to accepting or appreciating yourself, and I still struggle with that sometimes, but how you talk to yourself has a huge impact on your self-esteem. If you recognise yourself in this, I strongly encourage you to try it out. Switch up your language. It may be difficult, especially if you’re in a bad place to begin with, but it has helped me. A trick I used to be more positive was that I named the hateful voice of self-doubt in the back of my head. That way, it’s been easier to argue against it. For example:
“Your friends hate you.”
“Oh really, Brenda? And how exactly would you know that? I also don’t remember asking for your input Ms.-I-sell-essential-oils-in-my-living-room.”
You can also try a softer approach:
“Your friends hate you.”
“Understandable fear, Jamie, and I think many others struggle with that every day, but I have no logical reason to believe that. If they hated me, they would have no reason to hang out with me as often as they do. They would gain nothing from that.”
Anyways, back to what I was saying about my ‘self-acceptance journey’.
Autumn arrived, university started, I got new friends and had my first zoom lectures. I was on top of the world. For once, talking to new people wasn’t terrifying. It was still scary, but not terrifying. Once I was more secure with myself, I could talk with people openly, and I felt more secure in relationships. As disgustingly cliché as it is, loving yourself does indeed help with loving others. All that thanks to small changes in how I view my achievements and how I respond to self-doubt.
Staying home has also saved me a lot of time for my favourite hobbies: reading, painting, and writing. The arts have always been my form of escapism and source for venting out my feelings. Whenever I feel like my self-doubt is getting the upper hand, I take out a pen and some paper or my laptop. And I create. Whatever comes to mind, I put in words, colours, or lines. Some of these pieces turn out great, some don’t, and it’s okay. The main point of these is to help me feel better. That is not their only purpose, of course, and I also do them just for fun. I don’t always vent while being creative, but it has truly helped me stay level-headed while spending most of my days inside with that voice of self-doubt always by my side. It is different for everyone. Some vent by working out, some meditate, some play video games, etc. All very valid methods, all suitable for different people.
Learning to accept and appreciate yourself is a long process. Being kind to myself, not letting my self-doubt get the best of me and venting out my feelings on my worst days are all pieces of a much larger puzzle that I will be working on for years to come, even after quarantine is over and corona isn’t around. Nevertheless, learning to appreciate yourself and your achievements is a valuable part of life, whether you get started in quarantine or after it. Take all the time you need and get help if you can’t handle it on your own. You’ll get there some day.
