On Love Actually (and Ranking of All the Storylines)

If you have arrived at this article thinking you will be receiving a manifesto proclaiming the flawlessness and moral merits of this very dated 2000s Christmas classic, you are in the wrong place. The same goes for those wading in, hoping to feed some strange sense of superiority born out of hatred for this film. Here is a gingerbread cookie for you, now move along.

What I will be doing in this listicle is ranking all the storylines of this film, praising some with all the fondness of the world and gleefully dunking on others.

I should probably warn that there will be much more of the former than the latter. What can I say, it is rather easy to love something despite all its flaws. Same goes for people. Wait, is that what this film is about?

10. Harry & Mia

Summary: A married man gets a bit too close to his secretary.
Favorite quote: "'Tis but the work of a moment" (Because Rowan Atkinson's gift-wrapping sabotage is the only uplifting part.)

Awful, awful, awful.

9. John & Judy

Summary: Sparks fly between two sex scene stand-ins.
Favorite quote: "It's junction 13 that's just murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning" (while simulating sex).

When I look at all the storylines that were cut out of the film, I must wonder what special attributes this one had to make it to the final version. The couple had no tangible connections to other characters and their story, although cute, has very little say.
The only purpose their scenes seem to do is serve as the worst possible moments for your parents to walk into (speaking from experience).

Hugh Grant as David and Martine McCutcheon as Natalie

8. David & Natalie

Summary: The newly elected prime minister develops the hots for a member of his staff.
Favorite line: "Hello, does Natalie live here?" (repeated around a hundred times).

It is strange seeing how high some other Love Actually aficionados rank this storyline, considering this is one of my least favorites.

There are the "funny" little quips about Natalie's weight, her getting sexually harassed by the US president (what even is this movie?), and prime minister Hugh Grant making it allllll about himself. But my greatest problem is the fact that this human poop emoji either got her fired or demoted because he caught feelings for her. Get an employment lawyer and chuck that tosser, Natalie!

The only saving grace of this storyline is the delightful hallway dance scene and some other cute moments which save it from the very bottom.

7. Sarah & Karl

Summary: A shy woman with a mentally ill brother gets a chance with her workplace crush.
Favorite line: — "And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?”
— "Um... Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes."

The most commentary relating to this storyline reiterates the same two things; how depressing and frustrating it is. Sarah should not have picked up the phone. She should have pursued the romance with Karl and lived happily ever after.

When I was younger, I thought so too and felt an overpowering urge to angrily skip all scenes with Sarah. But as the years roll on by, the more Karl's line "Will it make him better?" irks me.

Indeed, Sarah doesn't have to pick up the phone. No one can reasonably expect her to do so. But she loves his brother. So she does.

That love, as painful and overtly self-sacrificing as it is, has started to resonate with me more than whatever she could have had with Karl.

6. Colin & the American girls

Summary: A young man pursues an ambitious mission in the US despite his friend's discouragement. Favorite line: — “You'll come back a broken man.”
— “Yes, back broken. From too much sex.”

What wonderful nonsense.

The entire storyline of Colin setting on his foolhardy journey to woo American chicks and eventually finding not one, not two, NOT EVEN THREE, but four girls that find him absolutely irresistible shouldn't be real. In fact, when revisiting this movie with only hazy memories of it, I always consider a How I Met Your Mother-esque narrative technique; maybe the story is more of a reflection of Colin's character than an accurate depiction of the events.

But then he brings two girls back to the UK with him, proving everything was real. And I realize, that actually, it makes perfect sense.

This is a magical goddamn Christmas movie. Of course it happened. Of course.

Emma Thompson as Karen and Alan Rickman as Harry

5. Karen & Harry

Summary: A wife comes to a heartbreaking realization about her husband (see 10).
Favorite line: — "I am so in the wrong. A classic fool."
— "Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me. You've made the life I lead foolish, too."

Where were you when you first saw Emma Thompson receive a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas? I was a small child in my family's living room, not really understanding, yet going through the same heartbreak as Karen, beat by beat.

There is something about the universal sympathy felt by this film's repeat audiences that probably makes this one of the most memorable storylines. It often makes me think of the image of a broken heart etched over my DVD disc of this movie. Strange choice for a film that is supposedly a romantic Christmas romcom. But it is not, not really.

That is probably the reason this is one of my favorite “romantic” films. Not every storyline can be wrapped up in a happy little package. We do not know if Karen and Harry were able to reconcile or not. But does it matter?

What really makes an impression on us is what we feel when Emma Thompson softly cries, alone in her bedroom, while Joni Mitchell sings.

Colin Firth as Jamie and Lúcia Moniz as Aurélia

4. Jamie & Aurélia

Summary: An English man and a Portuguese woman fall in love despite the lack of a shared language.
Favorite line: "Oh my God, I've got a terrible stomachache. It must have been the prawns" (Jamie's first, heart-swelling sentence in Portuguese as he starts his studies).

Out of all the more traditional romance storylines, this is likely my favorite.

There is not much to say which is very apt because the two characters also have no easy way of communicating. There are just a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings all around.

3. Billy Mack & Joe

Summary: A washed-up pop legend and his manager chase the top spot of Christmas charts.
Favorite line: "Kids, do not buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give them to you for free!"

Depending on my mood while watching the film, this storyline has easy potential to shoot to the top of the list. There is a certain unique, unabashed beauty about how this relationship is portrayed. It is not a romance, nor is it a depiction of a strictly platonic male friendship. It skirts about in the space between the two, and that I cannot help but adore.

Sometimes what you feel for another person cannot be defined in any easy terms, but it still leads you to declining the hottest party invite of the year in order to sit on the couch with your manager (the actual love of your life).

Keira Knightley as Juliet and Andrew Lincoln as Mark

2. Juliet, Peter & Mark

Summary: Being in love with your best friend's wife is probably a bad idea.
Favorite line: "It's a... self-preservation thing, you see."

You might be wondering what this storyline is doing so high up in the list. Hear me out.

There is an unfortunate tendency to judge this storyline as a romance. It is no wonder it falls short, forced inside these parameters. What unfolds in front of our eyes here is not supposed to be romantic. The very opposite in fact. The scene where Juliet uncovers the truth about Mark's feelings through the unfortunate wedding footage has more the feeling of a slowly impending train wreck. It is supposed to be uncomfortable and beyond inappropriate. We are watching Mark's most shameful secret being dragged into daylight, and it burns.

The world would be a lot simpler if we had total authority over our hearts. Each of us have had our share of feelings that, in retrospect, seem ugly, messy, and uncalled for. Unrequited love counts among the most painful of the sort. Is it any wonder why Mark looks like he'd rather be mauled by an 18-wheeler than stay in the room with Juliet one second longer after she has finished watching the tape? One of my favorite scenes of the entire film is watching Mark break down as he walks the streets of London afterward, as the rather innocently cheesy song choice of Here with me blares in the background.

Then there is the infamous sign scene which I would argue is iconic for a reason. It has been parodied to death as a very convoluted and inartful love confession, even though I feel it is an antithesis to that. Mark finally tells the truth without expectations or an agenda. Juliet deserves as much. It is the thing he needs to do to finally let go.

Once again, I recall the broken heart. Every storyline is not a romance with a happy ending, but they are all love stories, as in, stories about love.

This one is probably the most painfully human of them all.

Liam Neeson as Daniel and Thomas Brodie-Sangster as Sam

1. Daniel & Sam (& Joanna)

Summary: A father attempts to navigate his grief after losing his wife while trying to help his young son with his love troubles.
Favorite line: — "Aren't you a bit young to be in love?"
— (gravely) “No."

I will freely admit that this list is subjective. Not only due to the personal opinions I hold, but also in regard to the time and place of writing. The answer might not be the same if you ask me about my favorite storyline a year from now, three years, or a decade later. But isn’t it nice that we can focus on what serves us best, right in this given point?

You see, I recently lost a family member.

That is probably all the explanation some people need for the ranking, but I will still elaborate on my thoughts on this storyline.

There is something almost unjustly poignant about ever-young Thomas Brodie-Sangster's sweet love story during a period of grief. Like Daniel, his father, the audience does not question it. We have no right to, even if we question the depth of his feelings due to his young age or his difficult family situation. We don't because we have all needed something like this.

And that I could only characterize that need as desperate yearning for hope amid suffering. Which is what made me eventually reach for this movie with my mother after we learned of our own tragic news.

I always forget there are still two scenes left in the film when this storyline wraps up. It feels like such a natural end point, the culmination of all the built-up emotion of the preceding scenes. And perhaps I should accept my false memories of the finale. It is too perfect the way it is in my head; Sam running through the airport, security chasing him, leaping over everything that stands between him and the love of his young life. Fortuitously, the musician Billy Mack performs an absolutely hilarious, yet somehow heartwarming pants-dropping stunt on live TV as he’d promised earlier, buying the boy the distraction he needs to reach the gate in time. In the meanwhile, Colin Firth's character marches up to propose to his beloved with the whole Portuguese village trailing behind him, building up to another beautiful climax.

The music crescendos. Sam makes it to Joanna. She gives him a kiss on the cheek. For the most precious second, as he is filled with all the love and happiness that exists in the world, the boy can but run into his father's arms.

It is magical.