About the Beauty of Longing
Although I feel like an old granny saying this, I will open this text by actually quoting my grandad. Not necessarily because I fully agree with the quote, but more so because I think it’s a very interesting introduction into the topic of this text: the beauty of longing.
The quote I was thinking of goes as follows: ‘Het bezit van de zaak is het eind van het vermaak,’ which roughly translates to ‘The possession of the matter is the end of the pleasure.’ While you can’t say that this is always the case, you might immediately think of some situations in your life, for example when seeing the delivery van and the unboxing of your parcel was more fun than the actual thing inside of it.
I believe the quote stresses the fun of wanting something, of longing to something. That something can very well be a lifelong dream and it’s all about the fun of being on the road towards whatever you’re longing to. Although it can be about something you're longing to, it does not always have to apply to your own life. Think of a series where two people grow closer and closer over time and you wish for them to get together. Then, in the last episode, they get together and you immediately feel empty inside as there’s nothing left to long for, or obsess over. So, how does this whole concept of 'the beauty of longing' actually work?
You could define the beauty of longing as the space between your current state of affairs and your dream. It’s the time when nothing is yet fixed in concrete and when your dream can still take any shape or form you want. The beauty of longing means experimentation, learning new things about yourself, and discovering what you like. Are you dreaming of becoming a writer and that's what you're longing for? You're going to write some texts, experiment with them, and do whatever you like. As you're not a famous writer yet, there won't be too much pressure of outside expectations. And the longing towards becoming a writer (as that is also your passion) will be enough motivation to keep on going!
Longing can of course be a life-changing or equally dramatic feeling or emotion in your life. However, it does not always have to be like that. Think of situations when you have lost control over your agenda. While you think you're about to pass away from all the business, there's a spark of hope in your longing for calmer times, maybe even some spare time. This longing for having an inch of free time prevents you from completely crumbling apart. The mere wish for free time keeps you on your feet.
When this longing for free time turns into actually having time for yourself (or when you cancel all of your plans, also an option), some unforeseen results might emerge. For example, you might feel paralysed by the sudden feeling of not having to do anything anymore. I had this a while ago when finally having some spare time after a hectic week full of deadlines. The second I handed everything in I grabbed my laptop, as I was sure I would find a sense of happiness on it, and opened Netflix. After staring 15 minutes to the screen of my laptop without having picked any series, I realised YouTube might be a nicer option. Turns out it wasn't, as I found myself sitting behind the screen yawning out of boredom. In order to give my life a fresh blow of positive energy, I prepared myself some snacks and decided to open The Sims. However, then I realised I had already built my family’s dream house and that I had too many Sims within the family to actually manage. Already being on the edge of a burnout, I decided to close The Sims and I proceeded to sit in my room fantasising about what I actually could have done to have a nice evening.
From that moment on, I can't remember what I actually did but I somehow ended up in bed at 2AM(?!). I then realised that the longing for free time had made me survive my busy period and once I ‘possessed my matter,’ it ‘ended my pleasure.’ But what I did know was that the beauty of longing made me able to survive this busy period in my life.
Sometimes, you long for something you’re actually afraid of. It might be a relationship, or another form of intimacy. The beauty of longing gives you the space and opportunity to live in your own fantasy world (let’s be real, sometimes it’s more of a delusional world).
And what’s a greater help to feed those fantasies than books? I recently read a book about two guys being imprisoned in a medical institute to become laboratory rabbits for the testing of behaviour-controlling microchips. They developed a very strong friendship (trauma bonding at its best) and reading it, I hoped they might develop a relationship as well (longing!). Tragically, this did not happen, but the story made me feel emotions that led me to realise that deep inside, I might be craving a relationship or a never seen before sense of intimacy to someone as well.
The point is that I'm actually very afraid of being in a relationships and losing any degree of independence. That's why this book was so wonderful, as it helped me to create my own love-related storyline I’m apparently longing for. And I think that’s beautiful.
