Horoscopes for February 18, 2008

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls. Aries Aries March 21 – April 19 No, you can’t read your horoscope yet. Well, the stars don’t care if you’re sitting right next to them. Sorry, but you’ll just have to wait your turn like the other millions of people waiting to hear their future.

Taurus Taurus April 20 - May 20 What most people will see as tragic this week, you will see as hilarious, which proves just how much you despised that little, old woman.

Gemini Gemini May 21 - June 21 The conclusion that you will reach this week is that people sitting in the front of an ambulance don’t get nearly as much attention as people sitting in the back. Let’s hope next week brings you better luck.

Cancer Cancer June 22 - July 23 You’ll be forced to wonder what’s the big deal this week, as you were under the impression that laws were made to be broken.

Leo Leo July 24 - August 22 You will buy a microwave this week and, thus, succumb to the Big Popcorn agenda. It will be delicious.

Virgo Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’ll be forced to wonder what’s the big deal this week, as you were under the impression that laws were made to be broken.

Libra Libra September 23 – October 23 Don’t get too upset this week. The stars want you to know that it all doesn’t matter.

Scorpio Scorpio October 24 – November 21 It should go without saying this week that what you’re thinking is a bad idea.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The stars were wondering if you would cut them some slack this week. They don’t have your horoscope right now but they’ll get it. By next week. Promise. C’mon, you know they’re good for it.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Coming up with horoscopes is a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. Nah, that’s a shitty excuse. There are lots of other terrible things the stars could be doing. For example, the things that you’ll be doing for yet another week.